I’ve been at the VET!!!! More specifically, I’ve been chauffeuring my CAT to the vet.
And for those of you who are thinking, “Aw, isn’t that cute *and a little crazy* how much she loves her animals…” , please heed this caveat: IF YOU AREN’T ALREADY BURDENED WITH 800 FOUR-LEGGED ‘FRIENDS’, DON’T – REPEAT DON’T – DO IT!!!
Someone has kittens, free to a good home? LOOK THE OTHER WAY!! STAT!!
You’re walking by the pet store and you see wagging bums and gooey eyes peering out at you?? RUN!!!!
The local animal shelter is overrun with lonely, sad, abandoned pets with much love to give?? SCREW ‘EM!! Your quality of life is too important.
“Wait”, you ask. “If you feel this way, why do you HAVE 800 cats?”
What can I say? Some girls get diamonds… I get cats.
If you still aren’t convinced, let me give you a breakdown of my recent existence:
• My 14-year-old cat, Sassy (thanks go out to Jackson, Fiancee #2) has lost a couple of pounds. In light of the loss of Icky (thanks go out to Damon, Fiancee #3) 6 months ago, I panic. (What about Fiancee #1? We shared a hamster and a chinchilla – no cats, thank god. Oh, and yes, I have issues against marriage…that’s another post for another day. Well, no – anyone who knows me well *or has dated me ;D* knows this.)
• Vet runs a full blood panel and determines she is suffering from none of the following: FIV, diabetes, thyroid disorder, leukemia or other cancers.
She does, however, have a touch of gingivitis. I am flooded with relief and schedule a teeth-cleaning.
• While under anesthetic for her teeth-cleaning, it is discovered that the damn cat is FULL of bladder stones (as well as needing 4 teeth extracted), requiring my permission to slice. It is given.
• Now, instead of returning home with Happy Cat with Clean Teeth, I am home with Half-Dead Toothless Cat with a four-inch abdominal incision, who requires immediate and complete re-vamping of her diet regimen and a certain degree of hand-feeding in a desperate attempt to assist her in regaining the lost weight. Oh yeah, and did I mention the ANTIBIOTIC pill 100 yard dash/wrestling match which recaps every 12 hours?
• Half-Dead Toothless Cat, after a few days of the above treatment, turns into Kinda Spunky Half-Alive Cat. Which would be exhilarating news. Except that when it is time to return to the vet to have stitches removed, Kinda Spunky Half-Alive Cat transforms magically into Really Effin’ Pissed Off-Gonna Rip Off Your Face Cat.
• REPO-GROYF Cat is finally successfully stuffed in carrier and returned to vet, who performs her own 100 yard dash/wrestling match and successfully manages to remove said stitches. REPO-GROYF Cat is stuffed back in cage for return trip home.
• Once home, REPO-GROYF Cat, now subdued into Perfectly Lovely Fluffy Love Snug, looks up at me lovingly – with an eyeball that is slowly filling with blood. That’s right. Blood. On the INSIDE of the eyeball. Blech!
• Back into the carrier we go. Welcome back REPO-GROYF Cat.
• As suspected, Cat has given herself a minor aneurysm in the eyeball from all the wrestling/sprinting, etc.
• Home again, this time with more pills (steroids) and ATROPINE eyedrops. For those of you who don’t know this: ATROPINE EYEDROPS CAUSE CATS TO FROTH AT THE MOUTH !!!! Profusely. Like a faucet. Alllllll over the room. And you. And your bed. Foamy, frothy, cat drool. Everywhere. (In case I haven’t made the point clear – CAT DROOL. EVERYWHERE.) Which, given recent changes to wet cat food – not so fragrant, either. Nope.
• Human is transforming into Oh-My-Fuck-Where-Is-The-Backdoor- To-My-Life Person.
• Human makes plans to get reallyreallyreallyshitfaceddrunk when this is all over. I sometimes actually think this is a punishment for all the partying I did in a past life. (By which I mean my 20s. And my teens. Oh, okay – and the majority of my 30s. Whatever.)
But – all said and done -
It’s all still easier than dirty diapers and teenagers! Ha HAH!!
( P.S. For those who do not ‘get’ my sometimes-cryptic humour, I was only kidding about ignoring the animal shelters. ADOPT A PET! Just make sure you get the little bastard neutered. And don’t call me if you need to find another home for it.)
REPO-GROYF Cat
